


A Metafictional Meeting

by ab2fsycho (orphan_account)



Series: Get the Chip Off Your Shoulder [5]
Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: DO NOT READ UNLESS YOU'VE READ EVERYTHING IN I'M THE CHIP YOU'RE THE DIP, M/M, a meeting that shatters the fourth wall is taking place, also Demon Au, also mention of that wendip serial killer au, bills gather for martinis, dippers gather for coffee, this was an idea that very quickly got out of hand
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-11
Updated: 2015-06-11
Packaged: 2018-04-03 23:32:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4118731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/ab2fsycho
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A strange fic requested by members of the Candle Cult.</p><p>By some miracle, a group of Bills from varying universes have decided to get together and discuss their Pine Trees. Likewise, the Pine Trees are stuck at a Greasy's wondering what the hell their demons are doing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Metafictional Meeting

**Author's Note:**

> EDIT: I'm going to have to say this work is complete. I've quit working on a lot of the works involved. I hope you like the meeting of the Bills in my head. They've all since gone to sleep or moved to other universes :)

“Whose idea was this, and who the fuck invited him?” a dark skinned Bill with a golden tattoo around his left ring finger declared angrily. The being he was glaring daggers at stood in a shadowy corner, twice as tall as the rest of them and with an extra pair of arms. It smiled broadly, teeth sharp and gigantic eye staring back at him with a mirth that made him want to kill it.

 

“There's this thing called a fourth wall apparently. Someone decided to break it,” another Bill answered, one dressed in what looked like Question Mark's usual clothes but tailored to fit him. His hair was spiked and he was one of the few who had two eyes. He too glared at the being, who was yet another Bill. “I'm not sure why he's here. I thought he was kicked out of his realm, honestly.”

 

The first who'd spoken scoffed. “Alright. I guess that's good.” Then he directed his thumb behind him at a gigantic scaled creature who looked absolutely bored bordering on annoyed at being there. “The dragon's cool, though.”

 

“Yeah, he's cool,” the second Bill who had spoken agreed.

 

“Someone procure a bar or something!” a human Bill declared, adjusting his eye patch as the first Bill who had spoken did just that and a bar manifested near the youngest of the group.

 

The human set to work making martinis, another human Bill with darker hair and fake glasses joining him in the preparations. “I'm gonna need at least five of these to get through this meeting,” the second human Bill declared, pulling off the glasses and pocketing them for the time being.

 

“Me too thanks,” the first human replied while the other started setting out glasses for pouring.

 

“Okay, role call!” called a rather dapper looking Bill, one who seemed much more organized and professional than the others.

 

“That is a very 'dad' thing to do,” the third human Bill in the room declared as he slid over to the bar and picked up an already made martini. Swirling it around, the other two humans scowled at him as he leaned back on the bar. He looked almost identical to the youngest Bill, but appeared to have a few more years on him.

 

The eldest demon who had suggested a role call shot a pointed look at the human, which didn't make the human shudder so much as return the expression with a cheeky grin too demonic for someone whose only ability seemed to be to wear atrocious sweater vests and waste his money. Before anyone else could speak, the last demon Bill in the room raised his gloved hand and pointed upwards indicating he had a question. He asked, “Any chance we can evict that one?” he pointed to the tallest Bill in the room with his cane. So far that particular Bill had not spoken, electing to stand eerily in his dark corner and grin maniacally at them all.

 

“I was wondering the same thing, actually,” the Bill with the tattooed finger agreed.

 

“If he doesn't start anything, there won't be anything,” the dapper Bill declared diplomatically as he adjusted his eye patch. His face scrunched up in minor discomfort at the cover, then started counting the number of heads in the room. “Alright,” he began, “we've got Cipher the dragon, Slenderbill—”

 

“Appropriate,” the dark haired human at the bar declared as he downed an entire martini in one go.

 

The dapper demon rolled his eye at being interrupted before addressing the human who'd spoken, “The Illuminati Killer.” He glanced about the room, continuing his list with, “Bill who works at the Mystery Shack,” his voice turned snide with, “Bill who lives in an apartment with no electricity—”

 

“It has electricity, I just don't use it,” the Bill who had sassed him earlier declared, sipping his martini casually. “And I broke the lamps.”

 

“Get a life,” the youngest Bill mixing the drinks uttered.

 

“I'm sorry, are you old enough to be behind that bar, sir?”

 

“For the love of Lucifer, shut up!” the Bill in Question Mark's clothing declared before coming to stand at the bar. “And pass me one, I need it.”

 

“Bill currently trapped in a human form by an enchanter,” the eldest continued, “Master Bill,” the one with the cane tilted his head and smiled in approval of the title, “Bill who's actually married—”

 

“In a way,” the tattooed Bill said, waving his hand dismissively as he snapped and chairs appeared for the lot of them to sit at the bar. Taking his seat, he pointed towards the elder demon and said, “And you're the Bill who could have been king of all demons but decided not to.”

 

“I think we can all agree it's only fun being in charge when you don't have subjects to deal with,” the dapper one declared, garnering some head tilts and nods from the others. Then he squinted and added, “We're missing one.”

 

“Which one?” a human Bill asked.

 

“The only one who stays a triangle maybe?” the 'married' Bill suggested.

 

“Yeah. Him.”

 

“He hasn't even shown up in his universe yet. How can you expect him to show up here?”

 

“Because the continuity of my universe got screwed up for me to be here, that's how,” the eldest retorted, a hint of annoyance evident in his tone as he adjusted his eye patch again. “I hate this thing.”

 

“Get used to it. The two of us,” the older Bill in the sweater vest gestured to himself and the youngest Bill, “have to wear ours all the time.” As if to agree with that Bill's statement, Cipher started humming in agreement before shifting closer to the bar.

 

The youngest Bill glanced to the dragon and asked, “I suppose you would want a drink too?” The dragon closed its eye and shook its head. “Alright. Let someone know and maybe someone will get you a barrel.” The dragon hummed.

 

The Bills took their seats around the bar, pointedly ignoring the one who remained even in the shadows. “Is there a purpose to this gathering?” the gloved Bill who had not spoken since addressing Slenderbill said. He was dressed almost as fancily as the eldest, but his vessel had teeth as sharp as the one in Question Mark's clothes. “I think my pet is getting uncomfortable where he is.”

 

The trapped Bill narrowed his eyes on the one who'd spoken before declaring, “I wasn't aware you cared about your pet. I thought he was, you know, just a toy.”

 

“He'd probably be more comfortable if you let him wear more clothes,” the youngest Bill said before settling down with his own martini after having lined the bar with multiple glasses.

 

“You would know what it's like to run around naked, wouldn't you?” the older human asked with a grin.

 

The youngest glared back, hissing, “I will not talk about that incident.”

 

“You lost a bet. There's no shame in that.” The human snorted. “Of course, I can't believe you fell for that trick your Pine Tree pulled.”

 

“I didn't fall for it,” the younger snarled. “You're awfully snarky for someone who still hasn't had a date with Dipper!”

 

“And how many dates did any of you go on with him?”

 

“Plenty, actually,” the dark haired Bill declared, knocking back a second glass of martini. He shuddered a little at the quick intake before a pleased noise escaped his lips. “Ah, now we're starting to relax.”

 

“I think you actually did go on the most dates with your Dipper. Congratulations. You're a sap,” the eldest demon said before he finally picked up a glass and took a sip of martini.

 

“Better a sap than a baby snatcher,” the Illuminati Killer declared.

 

“Excuse me?” The eldest demon's eyes flashed black for a moment, a flare of red appearing around his body before disappearing again.

 

“How does it feel practically raising a kid and having him fall head over heels for you?” the killer declared, reaching for a third glass.

 

“Sounds like someone here has a complex, if you ask me,” the older of the human Bills concurred.

 

“What would a fucking pair of meatsacks know about a situation like that, especially you?” the eldest jabbed a finger at the Illuminati Killer. “For someone who's quick to point out the flaws of others, you're a pretty riddled character.”

 

“Don't be rude, now,” the killer warned.

 

“Oh, I'd love to see a human try to kill me—”

 

“So what's a neutral topic we can discuss without falling into this . . . debacle?” the tattooed Bill interrupted, taking a swig of alcohol and effectively silencing the group. Cipher hummed appreciatively at the way the bickering had ceased, resting his head on the ground behind the youngest. Was there really anything they could talk about without fighting?

 

And then the youngest Bill asked with a small smile, “Did Pine Tree teach you that word? Debacle? Sounds like something he'd use.”

 

The other humans snickered as the trapped Bill asked, “How is it possible that the human Bills are cheekier than us demons?”

 

“It's all they've got left,” the tattooed Bill answered dismissively.

 

“I'm actually genuinely curious,” the youngest Bill said after the snickering stopped. “How are all of your Dipshits in the sack?”

 

“We're not close enough to discuss that,” the older human declared, sitting up off the counter and taking a long pull on his drink. The dragon growled, indicating he wasn't interested in the topic either.

 

“You're just jealous you don't know yet,” the youngest said, pleased he'd finally knocked the older down a notch. The youngest wiggled his eyebrows. “Or am I the only one here getting any lately?”

 

“Don't be stupid,” the married Bill said, shaking his head and finishing his martini.

 

“Doesn't human marriage equate no sex whatsoever? Someone told me that once,” the eldest demon interjected.

 

“Good thing we're, as Shooting Star puts it, demon married,” married Bill declared, using air quotes and wiggling his eyebrows.

 

“As much as this topic does interest me,” Master Bill began, “I doubt that all of us have that sort of relationship with our Pine Trees.”

 

“Funny you're the one to suggest that,” the eldest said with a hint of glee. There was a dark chuckle from the shadows that only he seemed to notice, and it actually sent a shiver through him.

 

“Well,” the Illuminati Killer finished his third and sucked down half a fourth martini, “I'm feeling up for the discussion.” He held up a finger, making sure he was steady enough to continue drinking before pointing to the youngest and saying, “I hadn't seen my beloved in a year. What do _you_ think happened when I finally found him and got him alone?”

 

“I'm sorry, I got hung up on the part where you called him beloved,” the youngest said with a grin that wasn't entirely malicious.

 

“That is precious,” Master Bill uttered flatly, an equally amused smile crossing his lips.

 

“The most violent of the humans is the most loving. I like it,” married Bill commented.

 

“Bet Pine Tree likes it too,” the older of the human Bills declared as both he and the Illuminati Killer knocked back their drinks. Slenderbill gave out a muffled laugh, and they all turned to see that he'd gotten closer than the last time they'd checked. “Okay, Creepazoid's gotta go.”

 

“We had a deal,” the eldest demon hissed as he still fiddled with his eye patch.

 

“He's giving me bad vibes,” the younger human Bill declared. Was the four-armed monster _really_ steadily getting closer? When was he moving?

 

“Maybe if we just stop acknowledging him he won't say anything,” the killer whispered.

 

“Good plan,” Master Bill murmured.

 

The oldest human then asked Master Bill, “In that case, how the hell have you not broken your Pine Tree yet? Don't you have him bent over something daily or—?”

 

“Oh, he's been broken,” Master Bill interrupted before grinning fiendishly. “Broken in, I mean.”

 

“Mine still has a bit of an attitude,” the youngest human declared.

 

“Can't imagine why,” the trapped Bill murmured.

 

“You're just jealous,” the human retorted.

 

Trapped Bill quirked an eyebrow. “Why should I be?”

 

“Doesn't your Pine Tree not do the do or something?”

 

“Did you really just say 'do the do' in an adult conversation?” Trapped Bill started snickering.

 

“In another universe they never stop doing the do,” the older human quipped.

 

“Who provides you with this information?” Married Bill asked.

 

“I almost succeeded in draining my Pine Tree of his attitude.” All the Bills collectively jumped as Slenderbill appeared at the edge of the bar between two of them, one set of palms clasped behind him while the other two were placed strategically on the counter. “Shame. If I'd had a little more time, I could have probably broken him just as effectively.”

 

“Okay,” the eldest demon shifted, pointing up at the tallest, “no one asked for your input. Go back to your corner.”

 

“Am I not a member of this group too?” Slenderbill's laugh sent chills through all of them, which was an accomplishment in and of itself. The dragon raised its head, growling in response to the largest demon.

 

Turning away, the elder human Bill pulled out his phone and started muttering, “Is there any service here?”

 

Letting him do his own thing, the Illuminati Killer declared to Slenderbill, “You are of a different breed. One I don't like.”

 

“I seem to recall you having strapped your Pine Tree down and carving into him. Perhaps I carved a little deeper, but we aren't so different, you and I.”

 

The Illuminati Killer bristled. “I am not like you.”

 

“For once,” the younger human joined in.

 

The older human added, “We agree.”

 

The dragon's snarling intensified. Slenderbill stared at the giant scaled beast with mild interest before asking, “Your Pine Tree is just a child correct?” The dragon let out a fierce roar, making everyone jump upright out of their chairs before he quieted to a growl again. “A child you kidnapped?” The dragon's eyes narrowed. “That was my plan, too—”

 

“Don't compare us to you,” the eldest demon snarled.

 

“I don't see why I shouldn't,” Slenderbill made a sweeping gesture as he started circling the bar. “You are a _wonderful_ example. You succeeded in not only securing the souls of your twins, but turning them into demons.”

 

“They agreed in the long run—”

 

“You would have done it even if they hadn't. They were little more than bargaining chips for the soul you were _supposed_ to claim. Stans just couldn't keep their promises, could they?” The elder demon quieted, teeth visibly grinding as he glared Slenderbill down. “But don't worry. If I had been secure in mine's submission, I might have done similarly. But now, your Pine Tree practically rules you—”

 

“You're wearing out your welcome,” Master Bill interrupted in place of the demon.

 

Slenderbill stopped and pointed at him. “And you? Tempting your Pine Tree into a deal through provocative dreams? I think it's better to show him the nightmare we really are,” Slenderbill's grin split his face as he continued, “like when Blondie kissed him and you nearly killed him.” He gestured around the room, pointing each one out one by one. “You antagonized yours to the point he got hurt,” he said to Trapped Bill. Then he pointed to Master Bill, “You too! Yours almost died.” Master Bill and Trapped Bill collectively bristled. Slenderbill moved on to Married Bill. “Don't sit there and tell me you didn't almost kill yours too. You damn near threw him in the dumpster.” Married Bill's eyes blackened, as did Master Bill's and the eldest demon's. Slenderbill snorted. “Don't look at me like that. I know my alleged crimes,” he spat the last two words like he didn't really believe they were crimes, “are far greater than yours. But you are all two steps from being just like me.”

 

“Two miles away,” the younger human declared.

 

“Two light years,” the older human expanded on.

 

“You two,” Slenderbill actually leaned in to hover over them, “are just a bit too mouthy.” The younger stiffened and took a step back, but the older remained firm and glared back. It was the older he reached out to pat on the head with a large hand. “Let's be honest with ourselves: you're a stalker who gets away with several misdeeds simply because you have money.” Then he hissed out, “Your Pine Tree will get sick of it. That's a promise.” He removed his hand and looked to the younger human, whose breathing had grown shallower glaring up at the taller demon. “What's the matter, kid? Remind you of someone? A step-sibling perhaps?”

 

“Too far,” the eldest demon declared in a growl. 

 

Slenderbill laughed. “Really? And just what are you going to do about it?”

 

There was a shifting of scales and the intensifying of a low rumbling noise. It took all of them a moment to realize the dragon was no longer in its place. How it had moved without their notice would forever be a mystery, but there seemed to be no objection as massive jaws clapped down on the upper body of the tallest demon. There was an outcry and a spray of blood they all had to turn away to avoid. Those who turned back around joined the dragon in his slaughter. Those who didn't simply watched.

 

Then there was the older human, grinning in bloody triumph as he held up his phone. “Got a signal!” He then whispered excitedly, “Time to send some snaps to Pine Tree.”

 


End file.
